Cynicism

In the anime, Working!!, Poplar tells Inami about the fine line between hate and love. When you hate someone so bad that you have an unhealthy obsession with that person, it somehow shares similar symptoms as love.

Now that I think about it, there is some truth to that. I have these conflicting feelings regarding my parents too.

"I hate her" was what I told myself minutes ago, but my positive-side had to bring back memories of her when she's nice. Then my cynical side tells me, "It's all a cover-up to make herself look like a good and responsible parent."

My parents once used to be my heroes, but then I grew up and knew better. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me. She never was, so I gave up trying. Her bitterness probably rubbed off on me, because I did whatever I wanted, said whatever I wanted to spite her, just to test her response and hopefully get a definite answer as to whether she loves or hates me. I might have done that as a defence mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt again (the hurt-or-be-hurt mentality, I guess).

Of course, I know she hates me. Her harsh words and actions all indicate that, but then she had to do some occasional nice things to throw me off (all part of the cover-up). Is that to make me feel guilty and increase the debt I'll have to repay in the long run? Please, stop doing that. I don't want to be obligated to anyone.